Satan lives inside!
When mothers everywhere look at my baby, their eyes fill with lust and emotion and they say, “Oh, she’s so cute. How old is she? It makes me want another one so bad!”
What’s the deal with these women? Since the birth of my daughter I’ve encountered this countless times. We even encountered it at the hospital where literally nine out of ten women there were having a baby of their own. It’s like a contagious disease.
In the recent weeks my sister in law has even decided that she’s suddenly going to have a baby. She’s officially discontinued the pill and decided to take the plunge. My wife told me her cousin mentioned wanting a second baby too; fortunately she has the sense to know not to go there again.
Well this post is for you Amanda, my beautiful sister in law. I love you very much, so I’m going to do my best to educate you on the hardships you are about to bring on yourself. I know you aren’t going to believe a thing I say, but remember, we warned you about that giant dog you have living in your two bedroom house too and now he makes your life hell. So please, heed my warning.
Your niece is definitely a gift from God. I’m not a religious, superstitious or spiritual person by any means. In fact, I’m a scientist by trade (at least that’s what my college diploma calls me), I work to be as practical and realistic as possible in all matters of life but I will admit, she is a little gift from God.
The joy ends there.
In Lainey’s two weeks of existence she has soiled roughly 90 diapers. Your sister’s life has become a series of power naps. She resembles a dairy cow more than a person now. Lainey eats roughly every 60 minutes, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Babies are serious business. They’re cute, they make you melt inside, but don’t think for an instant that you won’t find yourself wondering if Lucifer himself isn’t creeping around in there when she wakes you up for the 6th time in the middle of the night.
During our first week of parenthood, Sara and I were both brought to tears numerous times by that little monster you love holding so much. She would cry for hours, nothing could satisfy her, nothing would make her sleep or calm down. We swore we were doing something wrong… Nope! According to all Sara’s friends, this was normal. Think of the torment as a rite of passage for new parents everywhere.
Do you like having a clean home? Do you care for sleeping? Do you enjoy watching a TV show or movie without pausing or missing half it? Do you appreciate having a meal on your own terms? How about showers, do you enjoy taking showers when you want?
FORGET ABOUT IT!
And prepare to receive contradicting advice from every person and family member you know. Everyone is going to tell you how to raise your baby. And when you follow some of that advice and your baby screams bloody murder, you’re going to hate yourself.
Prepare for long, lonely days and sleepless nights. While your husband is tending to his career fifty or more hours a week and sleeping all night so he can get up every morning to work and pay the mortgage, you’re going to be dealing with your child, basically alone. Sure, I do my best to clean, cook meals, do laundry and change the occasional diaper but I did all that before (minus the diaper stuff of course). But Sara still does 90% of the work with the baby. If your husband didn’t do any of these things before, he probably isn’t going to magically start now. So be prepared.
I hear that after about 6 months the baby starts getting easier to deal with, they become more functional and independent, and they sleep through the night more. But right now, it’s a little piece of hell. Sara has already asked me to get a vasectomy.
I don’t write this to discourage anyone from having a child, given they’re financially stable enough to do so. I simply write it as a disclaimer.
If you’re ready to face all this, have the baby. It’ll be a wonderful and beautiful little person, I’m sure. If you aren’t ready to basically go to war all by yourself, go get that birth control prescription refilled.