Thermometer after use!
A few nights ago my wife and I took Lainey’s (I’ve decided to call her that) temperature ourselves, for the first time. She had been extra squirmy and fussy all day long and wasn’t sleeping her usual 20 hours a day. Even though her suckling and pooping habits were right on cue, something about her seemed off.
We grabbed our trusty, digital thermometer, the same one we use for ourselves and wiggled it beneath her armpit. For what seemed like three minutes we waited, watching the temperature reading inch up, a tenth of a degree at a time until it reached a little over 100 degree (Fahrenheit).
Sara almost instantly became over alarmed, “You add 1 degree to the reading if you take it under her arm” she said worriedly. “She’s running a 101 degree fever. We have to call the doctor!”
Suddenly, for the first time I watched my wife turn into one of those parents, the parents that over react, the parents that seemingly make something out of what might be nothing. I looked down at Lainey, kissed her forehead and rubbed my hand along her backside. She simply didn’t feel feverish to me. In fact, she barely felt flushed at all, though I could easily be wrong. I admittedly know next to nothing about babies.
Sara called the doctor’s hot line and waited for our pediatrician to call us back. When the call came, Sara had a short talk with her and Sara now seemed cooler. “The doctor said we need to take her temperature rectally” Sara said. “What, you mean in the butt hole?” I replied, balking at the idea.
So I set off to the drug store to retrieve a rectal thermometer. Turns out, there are entire array of thermometers, some for ears, some for under the tongue, some for under the tongue or optionally the rectum (ooh nasty!). Some thermometers promise to read quickly than others, some more accurately, some are flexible on the end and some include super deluxe features like AM/FM radio and alarm clocks! Alright, I’m exaggerating about those last details, but you catch my drift, there’s no need for 15 different models of thermometers.
I decided to go with a special model of thermometer made specifically for jamming up an infant’s rear. You could never believe the shock and awe I felt when I discovered that there existed a contraption fashioned specifically for this! It featured a flexible rubber tip and was shaped in such a way that prevented you from pushing it up there too far! Plus, it guaranteed an accurate reading in under a minute!
I carried the handy device home, took off Lainey’s diaper and Sara proceeded to insert the probe. At first Lainey lay there, half awake and asleep and almost unaware of what was going on. Twenty seconds went by, then thirty and even forty… still the reading inched up.
Lainey started squirming, her lips curled, she balled her little hands into fists and she began to squeeze that little rectum of hers as hard as she could. “Push it in Sara, she’s about to squeeze the thermometer out!” I said excitedly.
Finally we had a reading. Sara pulled out the thermometer when…SQUIRT!!!!
Mustard colored poop squirted out of Lainey’s rectum like cola shooting out of the top of a shaken-up, popped can of Coca-Cola! I turned and burst into intense laughter, my chuckling so jolly and outrageous that Laney’s eyes burst open in shock! I pounded the walls in agony from the pain of the excessive rumbling, tumbling and bellowing. Sara stared at me in disbeleif and began laugher herself, not at the baby but at her baboon of a husband.
Lainey’s temperature was fine. Turns out we might have had her wrapped up too tight, making her under the arm temperature seem high. No worries here, only dookie squirts and laughter.
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