Lainey is happy after her poop!
To date, my child has soiled over 550 diapers in her seven short weeks of existence! I had always heard complaints about babies using quite a few diapers, but I never quite realized just how rabid that consumption actually was until now.
The market for diapers is so lucrative that retail outlets across America designate entire aisles to them, countless dollars are spent on ad campaigns and the most prestigious brands feature little prints of our favorite children’s cartoon characters. My baby barely knows who I am, much less Whinny the Poo, Oscar the Grouch or Elmo, but that does not mean we can’t put the cute characters on the diapers in hopes of winning over a few more parent’s dollars!
On past visits to the local Costco, I used to laugh at moms and dads forking over their hard earned cash and leaving with giant boxes of Pampers and Huggies under their arms. I used to think the idea of buying a block of 200 of the undergarments at once was ridiculous. Now I buy the giant blocks as well, the larger the box the better.
Day after day, I am nothing short of amazed at Lainey’s propensity to produce poop. She is nothing short of amazing, a true phenom, a real sight! She is… The Prodigy Pooper. Lainey can lay a fresh poo-pattie in her little stool sack easily once a hour, and naturally the child lacks any sense of shame. Lainey poops all the time, any time. Day or night, rain or shine, asleep or awake, this kid is laying a turd. It is not unusual to be snuggling her, her eyes just slightly cracked open as she feeds, then witness her just ever so nonchalantly stop feeding, back off the bottle for a brief moment and grunt. Suddenly you feel it, that warmth in the pit of your hand you’re using to support her bottom. You instantly become aware that there is only a thin layer of diaper between you and the sludgy sewage that your precious little girl just produced.
A short while back I was watching Lainey by myself. She had just finished sucking down a bottle and the aromatic evidence of her readiness to be changed filled my nostrils. I picked her up, took her to the crib to be changed and pulled off the dirty diaper. While in the process of scrubbing the little monster down, I turned to sneeze. As I turned I went to fetch a Kleenex from the restroom… then it happened. I had broken a cardinal rule of diaper changing: DON’T LEAVE THE POO HOLE EXPOSED!
Suddenly I heard it, “Uhg!” then SQUIRT!
Lainey grunted and out came a stream of the mustard squirts! The watery stool shot across the room just missing the back of my leg by inches. I was amazed. I ran to gather the tape measure and my digital camera. I was in pure disarray.
Lainey’s poop cleared the side of the crib and made it roughly four and a half feet across the room. It took half a bottle of carpet cleaner to scrub it out. What an amazing feat for such a little girl. I see bright things in her future. I have never been more proud as a father and I now proudly flaunt the fact that my baby can squirt poop farther than yours!
Needless to say, next time I have to sneeze while changing her, she’s getting a face full of snot. Better her than me.
Check out the photos for yourself! Click to bring up the lightbox:
January 5th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
That is amazing!! HAHA
December 20th, 2009 at 12:52 am
[...] to maximize the possibility of the messiest trajectory of poop at the farthest distance possible. Poor Raising Daddy knows what I mean about this [...]