Raising Daddy

• 24Feb

  Look at me, I have a tongue!

  4th Month (3 Months Old), The First Six Months No Comments
  

  Check out that monster tongue!

  Not too long after Lainey finally discovered how to smile did a slew of other little tricks developed. For the first few months Lainey was very boring, just pooping, peeing, eating and sleeping, but over the last month and a half it’s been a blast watching the baby learn and discovering new things. Each week we’re treated to a new little tidbit that brings even more smiles and giggles (from us, not the baby).

  About a month ago, Lainey started trying to suck on her little thumb and fingers, a few weeks after that she started grabbing at her feet, which of course went in the mouth like the thumb and fingers. Next Lainey discovered toys, she even has a favorite little ugly bear that she seems to always grab at over the others, and it always goes in the mouth as well. Then she discovered her voice. Now Lainey literally sits around for hours and babbles. Last week I woke up in the dead of night to her babbling in the other room. It was completely dark in the house, no TV, radio or anything else around to catch her attention, and she was jabbering away.

  Now Lainey has discovered her tongue.

  Sara and I love smothering the little monster in kisses. It’s hard to not be constantly dolling out the affection when I’m around her. At first she seemed to not pay too much mind too us, but eventually she started turning her head in our direction, like she was looking for a big smooch on the lips. Then soon after that, she started opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish, open and close, open and close, over and over. Then one day, she just started sticking her little tongue out… way out! She almost reminds me of a mini Gene Simmons from KISS.

  So for now, Lainey sits around and sticks her tongue in and out, over and over. I am so amazed at it that I catch myself sitting around at times just watching her. I must have wasted a good 45 minutes at one point this past Saturday watching her sticking that tongue out, then back in, then back out and back in.

  I am really curious to see what she learns next. But I am actually glad I have a girl and not a boy now. I don’t think I could handle watching my little guy discover his penis. I would be pretty freaked out watching an infant smack their junk around like it was a little Ninja Turtle action figure. If my wiener got smacked the way I’ve seen some little boys attack their own Snausage, I’m sure it would recede in fear, like one of the heads on the Ninja Turtle actions figures I just mentioned.

  Friends and family guess that next she will move on to sticking things up her nose and in her ears. I can’t wait for one of those frantic trips to the emergency room, on a mission to suck something very small out of an even smaller hole.

• 10Feb

  Lainey’s First Shower!

  3rd Month (2 Months Old), The First Six Months 1 Comment
  

  Lainey's First Shower!

  Lainey came down with a pretty rotten sinus infection a few weeks ago. It has been a real battle of the boogers around the house. Every time we lay her down, the congestion starts draining into her throat, making her cough and choke. Sara and I tried multiple snot suckers and even infant nasal sprays to lure the nasty goo out, but regardless of our efforts, the problem persisted.

  Eventually we made the trip to Baby’s R Us, my least favorite store on the planet, and bought a battery powered snot sucker (an electronic nasal respirator! Oooh! Ah!). The battery powered snot sucker is a wonderful gadget. Load it with a few batteries which are conveniently protected by half a dozen, very small screws, push the big blue button, stick the nozzle in the appropriate hole and off you go. I love sticking that thing up Lainey’s nose (and mine too) just to see what comes out.

  Despite the magical powers of the battery powered snot sucker, we eventually had to break down and take Lainey to the doctor. They gave her some antibiotics, which were pink and delicious and the infection started to subside. When I saw that little bottle of pink, liquid medicine I was reminded of my days as a child, drinking spoonfuls of the delicious, sweet medicine. I instantly started to wonder two things. 1. Why does Jell-O not make a children’s amoxicillin flavored pudding and 2. Why did we adults quit taking this stuff? I would never miss a dose of medicine if I considered it a treat. Antibiotic resistance due to people neglecting to take the full regimen of their meds would be nipped in the bud! Anyway… back to the story.

  It turns out that antibiotics, or at least these particular antibiotics gave Lainey terrible diarrhea. Couple the meds with all the snot Lainey has been swallowing as of late and we have a recipe for mustard color, Campbell’s soupy consistency dookie squirts!

  I had heard tales of these dookie bombs from our baby sitter, a seasoned veteran equipped with the experience and skill to handle these types of situations, and though I sincerely apologized for all the mess she was forced to clean up, I secretly prayed that Lainey had gotten it all out of her system. I was hoping for a dookie dumps free weekend.

  It was midday Saturday and Sara had gone to take a shower after a trip to the gym. I fired up some Lifehouse (gay band, I know) and picked up Lainey, ready to start our weekly dance together. We spun around the room, bouncing up and down, smiling at each other when I noticed that the small of Lainey’s back was wet. I turned her around to see it… the mustard colored, Campbell’s soupy diarrhea.

  I laid Lainey down in her crib, stripped off her clothes and began wiping. It was so much worse than I could have ever imagined. I stripped away the diaper, exhausted easily a dozen baby wipes and still poop was everywhere. Somehow it had made its way all up her backside, along her belly, up to the naval and down her legs.

  Finally, I gave in. I picked her up by her armpits, holding her out in front of me like a little bundle of toxic waste and fled to the shower, praying she did not decide to poop or pee any more along the way.

  I rushed into the bathroom, threw open the shower curtain and sat Lainey down into a completely shocked,  Sara’s hands! Sara smiled big and greeted us. Then she realized what was going on. Lainey was completely covered in poo.

  So that was Lainey’s first shower. It was a shower of pure necessity. A shower not unlike many I have taken myself, an emergency poo-control shower. And of course, because it involved poop, I snapped a picture.